I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
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Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
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So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.