I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
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Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
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It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.