she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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