I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
