Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
