happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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