I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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