omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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