This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
