I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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