Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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