I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
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Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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