I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
