Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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