dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
