Sorry, I don't speak sober.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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