If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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