Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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