I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
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