i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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