Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Holy sore nipples Batman
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize