Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
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I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
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Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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