1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
