On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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