no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
