hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I deserve this hangover.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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