mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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