i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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