I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
