Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
