I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Pants are for mortals
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
