just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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