It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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