I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
