How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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