Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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