fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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