I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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