just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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