When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Too much gin, very little bucket
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
