note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
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