what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I need a beard to bite.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
