broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
