and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
