Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
