oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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