I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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