they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
