the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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