I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
