her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
