Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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