he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
