Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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