Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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