a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia